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Wednesday, 29 June 2005
A Straight Man's Guide to Public Lavatories.
As you are possibly aware, there are etiquettes and codes for those gents among us who wish to enter a public lavatory and do it proper with other men, for some reason. How you find a dirty, ill-lit room which stinks of piss arousing is beyond me - I don't spend much time in public libraries for the same reason.
Anyway, it occurs to me that there are no rules laid down for those of us who do not wish to find an engorged member thrust through the cubicle wall with a curt invitation from the owner to suck it like a Zoom.
So, with that in mind, here we go.
1. Never use the urinals if it can be avoided. It seems obvious to me, but that is because I have a rule about not taking my cock out in public. Nothing to do with modesty and everything to do with simple decency. These are strangers! Don't put it in their faces. Leave that for those that want it. nb. This is not necessarily anything to do with avoiding an awkward moment with an amorous fellow-lavatorian. I just think it is unseemly to waggle one's organ about the place.
2. No eye contact! I don't care if they're your best friend or your brother or your boss! You look them in the eye and you are saying "Yes. I want to have the sex, here in this house of excrement." Are you saying that? ARE YOU? No. So just pretend you didn't see them.
3. If there are many cubicles, use the one nearest the door. The one furthest away from the door will be for homosexual lovemaking only. Consequently, this means that it is probably the cleanest stall in the place. If you can be certain that you will not be in company - eg. it is the office toilet and you are working so late everyone has gone home - then you can chance it. It'll be spotless in there. If there is only one cubicle and it is occupied, leave the bathroom. Cross your legs and wait, a safe distance from the toilets. Hanging around outside is a no-no, obviously, and queueing for the cubicle will look very much like you are waiting to be picked up and buggered senseless.
4. If you have to use a urinal, eyes front. I can't stress this enough. Don't make eye contact with the person next to you and certainly don't look at his member, lest you be tempted to sordid acts.
5. Don't speak to anyone in there. As with rule 3, it doesn't matter who they are. If they initiate any kind of conversation - and this includes weather talk - they are a gay homosexual with designs on your buttocks. Shun them at all costs and make a dignified exit. Don't forget to wash your hands - bacteria has no respect for sexual orientation.
6. Most important one, this - do not at any point put another man's penis into your mouth. This is technically a "queer" act.
I hope you have found this instructional. Yes, I was bored. And yes, "nb satire" applies.
Anyway, it occurs to me that there are no rules laid down for those of us who do not wish to find an engorged member thrust through the cubicle wall with a curt invitation from the owner to suck it like a Zoom.
So, with that in mind, here we go.
1. Never use the urinals if it can be avoided. It seems obvious to me, but that is because I have a rule about not taking my cock out in public. Nothing to do with modesty and everything to do with simple decency. These are strangers! Don't put it in their faces. Leave that for those that want it. nb. This is not necessarily anything to do with avoiding an awkward moment with an amorous fellow-lavatorian. I just think it is unseemly to waggle one's organ about the place.
2. No eye contact! I don't care if they're your best friend or your brother or your boss! You look them in the eye and you are saying "Yes. I want to have the sex, here in this house of excrement." Are you saying that? ARE YOU? No. So just pretend you didn't see them.
3. If there are many cubicles, use the one nearest the door. The one furthest away from the door will be for homosexual lovemaking only. Consequently, this means that it is probably the cleanest stall in the place. If you can be certain that you will not be in company - eg. it is the office toilet and you are working so late everyone has gone home - then you can chance it. It'll be spotless in there. If there is only one cubicle and it is occupied, leave the bathroom. Cross your legs and wait, a safe distance from the toilets. Hanging around outside is a no-no, obviously, and queueing for the cubicle will look very much like you are waiting to be picked up and buggered senseless.
4. If you have to use a urinal, eyes front. I can't stress this enough. Don't make eye contact with the person next to you and certainly don't look at his member, lest you be tempted to sordid acts.
5. Don't speak to anyone in there. As with rule 3, it doesn't matter who they are. If they initiate any kind of conversation - and this includes weather talk - they are a gay homosexual with designs on your buttocks. Shun them at all costs and make a dignified exit. Don't forget to wash your hands - bacteria has no respect for sexual orientation.
6. Most important one, this - do not at any point put another man's penis into your mouth. This is technically a "queer" act.
I hope you have found this instructional. Yes, I was bored. And yes, "nb satire" applies.
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Monday, 20 June 2005
I SUCK!
Apparently I don't do updates anymore. I just look at my site and use it as a place to go from. Bad news! I'm not as bad as Marv, mind. He SUCK SO HARD HE BLOWS! Sorry, Marv, but it had to be said.
So what's happening, daddio?
We-ell. Let's see. Fuck me, it's hot! I mean, I know it's the solstice, longest day any day now but come on! You know why, don't you? Big Brother. Every year, like a charm, it brings out the sun. I start with a comment about the weather? Boy, am I English..
I've been upping my cinema visits! You saw the unfocussed ramble about Revenge of the Muthafuckin' Sith, and I saw Sin City since (so you don't have to. And you really don't. Avoid!) and on Wednesday Batman Begins! Then continues and eventually ends after about 2 hours. Anyone from FU will notice that I stole that joke, but haha! I'm not just writing for you , and they don't know, do they? Only they do now. Shouldn't have mentioned it.
I've been playing Lego Star Wars, and you should too. It's insufferably cute! I don't know why, but they've made Obi-Wan a bit of a doofus and it works so well that Lucas should CGI a daffy grin onto Ewan's face when he inevitably fucks about with the prequels in 15 years.
Dr Who is over for now, and wasn't it just awesome? I can't help but worry we'll be cringing behind the sofa in ten years at the naffness but right here and right now for those 13 weeks there was nothing to touch it on TV. The sheer quality of the performances glossed over some actually not great writing and the enthusiasm of everyone involved created the most astonishingly good series of a British sf show I've seen since... sod it, forever.
Enough geeking out! The new White Stripes album is a serious grower but has now won itself a place in my heart. The new Gorillaz, meanwhile, has still to prove itself. No matter! I'm sure to give it time. Meanwhile I've been listening to Oobermann's Magic Treehouse album from a while back and it's adorably fun. But, again, I'm starting to cringe at it from a distance. Not as badly as I cringed when I listened to Therapy?'s Troublegum.. but a bit. Still, again, enthusiasm is papering over the cracks.
That was still geeky. Okay, I'm going to put up some shelves over the weekend and then have a barbecue. How's that?
So what's happening, daddio?
We-ell. Let's see. Fuck me, it's hot! I mean, I know it's the solstice, longest day any day now but come on! You know why, don't you? Big Brother. Every year, like a charm, it brings out the sun. I start with a comment about the weather? Boy, am I English..
I've been upping my cinema visits! You saw the unfocussed ramble about Revenge of the Muthafuckin' Sith, and I saw Sin City since (so you don't have to. And you really don't. Avoid!) and on Wednesday Batman Begins! Then continues and eventually ends after about 2 hours. Anyone from FU will notice that I stole that joke, but haha! I'm not just writing for you , and they don't know, do they? Only they do now. Shouldn't have mentioned it.
I've been playing Lego Star Wars, and you should too. It's insufferably cute! I don't know why, but they've made Obi-Wan a bit of a doofus and it works so well that Lucas should CGI a daffy grin onto Ewan's face when he inevitably fucks about with the prequels in 15 years.
Dr Who is over for now, and wasn't it just awesome? I can't help but worry we'll be cringing behind the sofa in ten years at the naffness but right here and right now for those 13 weeks there was nothing to touch it on TV. The sheer quality of the performances glossed over some actually not great writing and the enthusiasm of everyone involved created the most astonishingly good series of a British sf show I've seen since... sod it, forever.
Enough geeking out! The new White Stripes album is a serious grower but has now won itself a place in my heart. The new Gorillaz, meanwhile, has still to prove itself. No matter! I'm sure to give it time. Meanwhile I've been listening to Oobermann's Magic Treehouse album from a while back and it's adorably fun. But, again, I'm starting to cringe at it from a distance. Not as badly as I cringed when I listened to Therapy?'s Troublegum.. but a bit. Still, again, enthusiasm is papering over the cracks.
That was still geeky. Okay, I'm going to put up some shelves over the weekend and then have a barbecue. How's that?
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Sunday, 5 June 2005
And here he is
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I find your lack of bricks disturbing..
I was in John Lewis on Oxford Street today and oh my! Approaching the toy department, you hear a very familiar noise. Is that..?
When you reach the department, guarding the entrance is a 6'6" Darth Vader, breathing loudly and making various comments about joining us or dying, or accepting apologies. And - best of all - he's made of Lego! Dude rocks. Oh, there's another one, too, but he's not made of Lego.
When you reach the department, guarding the entrance is a 6'6" Darth Vader, breathing loudly and making various comments about joining us or dying, or accepting apologies. And - best of all - he's made of Lego! Dude rocks. Oh, there's another one, too, but he's not made of Lego.
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Thursday, 2 June 2005
Don't set my place at the poverty banquet
I think I'm going to avoid Live 8. I don't feel the need to be a part of this particular global event, and if my grandchildren ask me about it I'll say "Well, kiddiewinkies, I just didn't see the point. Now go and get me some space milk from the space corner shop."
I'm happy for charities to ask me for money. Well, not happy, but I get it. I give them money, they give it to people who need it for whatever reason. Whatever good reason I mean, not "they need a new bike" or something.
But this? Consciousness raising? What kind of useless hippy crap is this? Are the G8 leaders really going to write off Third World debt because Madonna does a free gig in Hyde Park? Will it really end the suffering of millions if the heads of state of the wealthiest nations see Bono (practically the 9th wealthiest nation in himself) prancing about lecturing people between lumpen slabs of Dadrock? Actually, that might even add to the suffering, bringing it to people in the First World, too. Which is egalitarian, I suppose.
My feeling is that mass protest of this sort makes no difference. Look at the regular, massive marches against the Iraq War. Boy, that sure stopped us going to war, didn't it? Oh, no, wait.
I'm happy for charities to ask me for money. Well, not happy, but I get it. I give them money, they give it to people who need it for whatever reason. Whatever good reason I mean, not "they need a new bike" or something.
But this? Consciousness raising? What kind of useless hippy crap is this? Are the G8 leaders really going to write off Third World debt because Madonna does a free gig in Hyde Park? Will it really end the suffering of millions if the heads of state of the wealthiest nations see Bono (practically the 9th wealthiest nation in himself) prancing about lecturing people between lumpen slabs of Dadrock? Actually, that might even add to the suffering, bringing it to people in the First World, too. Which is egalitarian, I suppose.
My feeling is that mass protest of this sort makes no difference. Look at the regular, massive marches against the Iraq War. Boy, that sure stopped us going to war, didn't it? Oh, no, wait.
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Come to Edinburgh then, that's where the real protest is. There'll be hippies and bra burning and everything! Doesn't get any better than that.
...unfortunately.
...unfortunately.
You said that free gigs with crusties suck. Concerts aren't really protests, they're just a cunning way of getting people who don't care to seem like they do.
but then, I'm going to be there anyway. Just in case it works. Protesting might be a lost art, but while the possibility of achieving something exists, why not at least try?
but then, I'm going to be there anyway. Just in case it works. Protesting might be a lost art, but while the possibility of achieving something exists, why not at least try?
Did ya just... miss my last paragraph, then? Protesting is meaningless and pointless and it's so embarrassingly naive to think that it helps. Look at the Iraq war rallies. The Countryside Alliance protests. Did they work? No? Did they even help? No, except that they masked the genuine reasons we - the voting public - might have for going against the Labour government at the last election.
The gig itself is an ego-wank. The protest is.. just sad.
The gig itself is an ego-wank. The protest is.. just sad.
Of course marches against the war didn't work, it wasn't Tony Blair who decided it was going to happen, it was the Americans. Why would a protest in England change that? Did the CND marches work? Did Live Aid actually make all the poor people rich and happy? No. That's not the point and never has been. The real work is slow and steady and behind the scenes, protests are...advertising. Recruitment drives. Whatever. More often than not they're about a certain way of life (like the hunting and sixties folk) than an issue, too. They're not really quantifiable as wanting a specific change, they're just indicative, and as such they have their uses.
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